So much conflict and tension of work comes back to three things that I have struggled with in my own career as a founder and executive and that I now regularly help my clients overcome.
I call these the big three, and so many tough conversations, problems, interpersonal conflicts and tensions, and team dysfunctions come back to these.
๐ ๐๐๐๐๐บ๐ฝ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐: Itโs in our nature to constantly think about and question why someone else might be doing something. Worse, we tend to imply they must have bad intentions because their actions seem to show that so clearly. Assumptions are the stories we create in our head when we donโt have all the information. The way to challenge them is to consider what the other person or people could be optimizing for. Theyโre pursuing a goal (or many) just as you are.
๐ ๐๐ ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐๐ฎ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐: When unspoken, expectations (and the needs lying therein) can have only one outcome: they will remain unmet. In return we wonโt be satisfied with someoneโs work, mode of working, or their behaviour. More often than not, any expectations we have towards each other remains unspoken and will stir a destructive cycle of resentment. How can you correct for this? Put expectations and needs on the table, build a shared understanding of what everyone affected expects from each other (and what you expect from the group). Only then can you start a discussion around how and if they can be realistically met and then do the work of living up to them.
๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ฏ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ธ: Whether or not our expectations are on the table, voicing feedback is a challenge. Weโre inclined not to hurt someone elseโs feelings or demotivate them. We may also not know how to give constructive feedback. We may not be receiving the feedback we seek. It helps to build up a protocol on what kind of feedback is needed, in what form, and at what point in time. And then give it freely. After youโve done the work of resetting assumptions and clarifying expectations, giving feedback openly will come a lot easier.
Do note that these are by far the only causes for conflict and tensions. Even when all three are done well, thereโs still the question of whether any of that shared context is used to adjust oneโs own behaviours and modes of working. The big three only work when everyone involved is willing to share and listen and then to do the work, with the ultimate goal of collaborating well together.